Say what you want…..

Everything’s getting a name and once inside the wolves den, I’m gone. Spooner said it would be worse until the end and as everything’s getting worse I don’t think his prediction is too far off. Hope not.

After everything is divided into at least jiffy bags, I’m done. Everyone who means something will have something. I’ll probably wait until the end of the month and coincides with Nicci’s payment so as long as it’s doable,



The hospital visit didn’t do it for it medically, if anything it’s made it worse; more leg, head and overall pain, but I know that’s going to keep getting worse until the final days. And even then, it will be gradual, piece by piece until there’s no more.

I asked Dr Spooner a ballpark figure of which he gave one. 6 months. He’s since cut that to 3 months, leaving the 1st December as ‘the date’ but as no-one can judge these things it could be longer/shorter than they say.

Dragon Warrior

Everyone keeps going on about a bucket list and all kinds get thrown around. I’ll say to save trying to follow me, you use what I have done and treat accordingly. Do what you want, not what you’re told.

was there when Gilmour & Mason turned up together.
was to meet Warwick Davis & family.
been on a narrowboat.
was at the last UK New Order with Hooky.
saw B.S.P at Gloucester.
saw Manics & Idlewild at least 20 times each.
made sure I was last at the Warwick twilight walk.
have opened the Longhorn.
have eaten paella.
have piloted a boat.
have seen Pulp.
have been a best man with a speech.
have seen all 3 working Lancasters doing their thing.
have ate sushi.
have ate indian.
have seen Ian Broudie in the pouring rain.
have ate squid.
have crossed to Lundy Island.
have ate shark.
done Tomatina.
have ate kangaroo.
have fed a goose.
have been abroad.
have kipped on the floor.
have seen Pearl Jam.
have have had peanut butter.
have climbed Snowdon.
have been so pissed I don’t know where I am.
have seen a TV show being filmed.                                                                      have been in all of the seas (North, South, East & West.)
have never been in debt or needed an overdraft.
have been in (a very minor) car crash.
have not found Nessie in Inverness.
have discovered Xatvia Castle.
have been stopped by the police.


It’s getting worse with everything. Grant is getting me up and there’s slight bruising every day from being pulled. I’ll try sleeping in the chair tonight to cut out the walking.

It feels like there is no energy in the right leg and it’s spreading. I don’t know how long it will be until I can’t use either leg at all. I’ve asked for a ballpark figure and they’ve said December. I’ve organised most of anything so there’s not much to go. No questions.


The will is signed, the gift list is done, things are mostly done. The only things that aren’t cancelled are the electric etc which I’ll be using up until…ish. I’ve started giving things or throwing them purely because I don’t want or need them.

I won’t know and they probably won’t whether it’s a gradual or a sudden death..I’d like to know but the 30th will be the day that I get ‘news’ on that and the scan.

It’s a lot better to stand up in the light and walk from the chair at home;  whether it’s those factors or doing it myself I don’t know. It’s shit but it’s still better than anywhere else to go. Warwick will be interesting with all the chang.lees in pushers but all I have to do is keep myself comfy I guess.

Seven wonders

Short  of submitting it and it becoming ‘official’, the will is done. I’m sure it’s nothing fancy and there’s better out there but the less
I spend on a bit of paper means more to spend on food etc and anyway  it should be to the letter, but I guess it will be used as a guide…I’m not sure, according to MY BELIEFS I won’t be here to check..  I’ve done what I can, the ball is well and truly in your park.

Gift wise relies on everything turning up in time, which I hope it will as it gets it all out of the way. Everyone who means something special to me has got at least something so they will look down/switch on/ see and hopefully think of me. If they don’t or reach for the nearest car boot pile then so be it. I’ve got all of next week free so hopefully I can do the gifts and rest easy.

I’m not booking anything past mid-December; come to think of it, I’m not booking anything for me because I won’t be here and if I am I’ll be so shit it won’t be worth it. I can’t walk at all without support and once down the stairs I stay there, so it’s limited how many times I will go out in a week.

Every niight I ‘ve been getting eggy tasting nausea without having any eggs. Spooner has put it down to sickenss and has kept the dose the same but it’s still there,..I shouldn’t moan as i’ve got more than that to bother about.


The auction night appeared to bring people together, some who wouldn’t be talking were and conversations happened; I like to think that through the awareness and money for the charity that I have helped that water flow under the bridge or at least been the strange glue I’ve been this past year.

A total will be to follow. I don’t know what I will be doing now I haven’t got anything like that to focus on and that’s probably a good thing…the abseil and twilight walk is out of my hands, as is the skydive, so it’s kinda fitting.

Tablets are the same; steroids have been leaving marks for the past 6 months or so but Dr Spooner thinks they are ok so he’s bumped those up to 8mg a morning and the monthly chemo are still there, but everything else has stayed as it is.

Symptoms are getting worse, most noteably in the right leg…it’s working on about 45% of what it should be, if that, I can barely walk unless I’m familiar or have support I fall, so I’m limiting the amount I do.

It’s been noticed by Dr Spooner that I’m getting worse, which is a good thing, most consultants would glaze over it. He’s sending out a chase for the scan, a dermatologist for my feet and legs and a pallative nurse to see how I am. Whether this happens is another thing, but it looks like something happens. They have shaved 3 months off lift off, so he has reluctantly said Christmas time….I hope it’s a bit of way off that time of year as so many have so much going on, but I can’t help it and I won’t be here to find out……


I’m still fairly wobbly on my feet; nothing seems to be getting any better at all. The pain has slighty gone down today, but that’s probably down to the amount of chocolate I’ve had or the purposeful slight overdose of the morpine mixture, I keep waking up in the morning so they must be doing something right with the tablets or it just isn’t my time yet. Hopefully on Tuesday they will give me more than my 200 days countdown as a ballpark, but as they haven’t sent a scan through yet, I doubt it.

I’ve fell again today, only from the bed, but it looks like it’s knocked the previous ones into a bit less pain. Again, it might be the chocolate but it doesn’t seem to hurt as much…well, the stomach anyway, the rest of me still hurts.

Strange glue

I’m not bothering with the opinions (ha, like they form themselves) of anyone else; too many mixed ideas. I’m doing what I want to do. If I don’t feel like doing something, I won’t. I’ll still keep the act up for those I will probably be seeing for one of the last, if not the last, time, but for most, they know and I know. If someone is irratating me they will know about it. I’m sick of being nice.

Nothing is worth planning, nothing is going to happen in the future apart from me shuffling off…nothing is going to improve and if it keeps getting as bad as it does, do I want to do this. Later mornings and nights give me more time to ‘normalise’ myself for visitors but that’s few and far between.


It might have been everything combined but at Idlewild last night I was all over the place; it’s good as I haven’t been able to get it out for a while. I needed it and I think Paul knew too but he didn’t say anything.

I’m getting worse and it shows, most notably in my leg and speech but that’s to be expected where the tumour is located. I’m not going to get to the 200 odd days the hospital has theorised and if this is how it’s going to be, I’ll be glad if it ends before. The chair is less degrading to be in but I’d rather be walking under my own steam than being pushed.

Falling over didn’t help and the bruising hasn’t helped at all in terms of getting up, but it’s my own doing. It’ll be mentioned at clinic if it’s still there, similar to all the tablets, for what it’s worth.