It might have been everything combined but at Idlewild last night I was all over the place; it’s good as I haven’t been able to get it out for a while. I needed it and I think Paul knew too but he didn’t say anything.

I’m getting worse and it shows, most notably in my leg and speech but that’s to be expected where the tumour is located. I’m not going to get to the 200 odd days the hospital has theorised and if this is how it’s going to be, I’ll be glad if it ends before. The chair is less degrading to be in but I’d rather be walking under my own steam than being pushed.

Falling over didn’t help and the bruising hasn’t helped at all in terms of getting up, but it’s my own doing. It’ll be mentioned at clinic if it’s still there, similar to all the tablets, for what it’s worth.


There will always be those people in our inner sanctum, whether they get there because they intend to or not…but they are there. Only a handful ever get there in your life and you know who they are, even if they don’t know it themselves; they are naturally part of you. Some are always destined to be close but never quite at ‘that’ level and some will very much always teeter on the edge. Then there are some that will forget that you ever exist because they have things in their life that take priority, which happens; be it work, new partner or plain ignorance.

It seems as though the weekend has finally caught up with me and coincidentally I’ve run out of anti-sickness tablets too. It’s only a week until the clinic appointment and as I’ll be getting the chemo tablets then anyway, I might as well just wait and get them in one swoop, they don’t decrease the nauseous feelings all the time anyway, so chances are I won’t even notice them missing.

The whole ‘it’s stabilised’ description still isn’t ringing true with me though; that may be what they’re seeing on paper, but it’s not what I’m feeling. I’ve said it before, but I just need some sort of clear prognosis, a timespan, just anything to give me some end to it all. I can’t put on the less than convincing act for much longer- it wears me out.