It might be the heat, food, tablets or everrything combined that’s causing it; but I can’t walk normally. I managed ok on Mandy & Mark’s barge…but there’s only a few steps and I spent most of the time sitting down, I got home and I could barely go anywhere without having a wobbly episode. I’ve only got to wait until Tuesday when I find out the results of the scan, they say the bleed is too much and they cut everything including the prognosis. Well, I can hope anyway…..
It’s too hard to walk anywhere anymore; sitting down takes the pain from the legs but it’s always in my head. I don’t know whether it’s the tumour or the bleed that causes it, but I suppose it’s not too long before I find out. Hopefully all of my questions get answered…and prognosis is one of them…
I’ve a chair. The first time I have to use it in public is going to be hell; too much ‘look at me’; no-one will be saying it, but they will be thinking it. If it’s said I won’t be sure how I’m going to react..it’s been a while and there’s a hell of a lot building inside of me.
There will always be those people in our inner sanctum, whether they get there because they intend to or not…but they are there. Only a handful ever get there in your life and you know who they are, even if they don’t know it themselves; they are naturally part of you. Some are always destined to be close but never quite at ‘that’ level and some will very much always teeter on the edge. Then there are some that will forget that you ever exist because they have things in their life that take priority, which happens; be it work, new partner or plain ignorance.
It seems as though the weekend has finally caught up with me and coincidentally I’ve run out of anti-sickness tablets too. It’s only a week until the clinic appointment and as I’ll be getting the chemo tablets then anyway, I might as well just wait and get them in one swoop, they don’t decrease the nauseous feelings all the time anyway, so chances are I won’t even notice them missing.
The whole ‘it’s stabilised’ description still isn’t ringing true with me though; that may be what they’re seeing on paper, but it’s not what I’m feeling. I’ve said it before, but I just need some sort of clear prognosis, a timespan, just anything to give me some end to it all. I can’t put on the less than convincing act for much longer- it wears me out.