It might be the heat, food, tablets or everrything combined that’s causing it; but I can’t walk normally. I managed ok on Mandy & Mark’s barge…but there’s only a few steps and I spent most of the time sitting down, I got home and I could barely go anywhere without having a wobbly episode. I’ve only got to wait until Tuesday when I find out the results of the scan, they say the bleed is too much and they cut everything including the prognosis. Well, I can hope anyway…..



Nothing to report from the scan, as predicted…so fingers crossed on Tuesday they can give me some indication of what comes next. It will be the first real showing of how the treatments have affected Clive at all, as the last one was more of a base image to judge things by.

From the added head pains and pretty much every symptom getting worse over the past 6 weeks or so, I’m anticipating some growth and less than ‘positive’ news, but it’s what I need to every sense of the word, my head feels like it will explode. It can’t take much more of any of the crap that’s bouncing around it; whether it’s the tumour, the anger, the frustration, the sadness, the falseness of people, the lack of purpose or the loneliness, I want it to stop. I need it to stop.


I won’t see the results from Thursday’s scan until next week and it’s very much at the point I couldn’t have less of a care what the findings are from it. The external symptoms have got worse over the past 6 weeks or so and over that time I’ve given up on ‘fighting it’ as so many proclaim I’m doing; there is no fight, there never was, I have no descision to make with any of it. It shall run it’s own course.


While the scan and appointment being on the same day is more conveinent, it’s still over a week away and it doesn’t feel like the results are going to be as positive as last time; my heads been hurting as much as it did back in October/November, my hands been less responsive and the numbness seems to get be getting worse, plus my walking leaves a lot to be desired still.

As Clive has showed to shrink between previous scans, all signs should point to improvements this time, but from how I’ve been feeling this past month or so, I wouldn’t be surprised if there was growth or some internal development going on…


More chemo tablets starting tonight, as before it’s the 400mg dose for five days…which I’m still unsure how will affect me; they could knock me about anything from now until ten days time based on past experience. The steroids will now alternate from 2 to 1 mg each day, although I’m not convinced that will make that much difference.

It’s probably going to be the last week in March that I get scanned next, which will be more conclusive than the previous one as there should be a clearer view of what difference the treatments have made.


I’m still stuck in the not knowing mindset; it’s driving me mad. They should have the results of the scan by the next appointment but there’s no guarantee that they will be able to deduct much from just the one…

There doesn’t seem to have been any long lasting improvements with any of the symptoms I’ve been stuck with for the past months, yeah, there’s been the odd day here and there, but no permanant restbite. Is it worth clinging on to the hope that something *might* be happening in my head?


The scan today was little more than a formality and the results will be unknown until 10th February…I’ve been pre-warned that it’s the next month’s scan that will hold any answers rather than this one, but it will still be good to see what’s going on in there.

The chemo tablets are over for now, I’m glad they’re nearly cleared through my system as they have made me the groggiest I’ve been so far in this pitiful story. It’s been at some tricky points but just crumbling into a heap on the floor has never felt such a wonderful option before this week.


It must be the change in steroids causing it but the heaviness in my leg does seem to be getting worse..which could get interesting as I’m going to have to add the possible effects from the chemo starting again with the drop in their that could be fun. Chances are it may balance out but that will all become clear over the next week, I guess.

Maybe it’s just me, but I do feel like I’m slurring my words again..this combined with an extra feeling of grogginess doesn’t really fill me with hope for the scan; if that’s happening, there must be more pressure causing it, therefore somethings happening inside? I don’t know…I’m no doctor. I just know my brain hurts….

We’re almost there…

My leg does seem to be heavier than it has been of recent weeks, so going up stairs and general moving has been a little more effort over the past few days. It’s more than likely the drop in steroids causing it, which is so gradual I wouldn’t have thought the changes would be as quick as they are, but it could just be a blip.

The scan has finally come through; next Saturday morning. It’s a bit of an annoyance that it’s after Monday’s appointment so there won’t be any discussion related to growth/shrinkage/nothingness. I can only assume they’ll have me back the following week to hit me with whatever news the 18th brings…

At least I know I’ll be coming home with a goody bag from the pharmacy, it’s normally a month long course of chemo tablets they stick me on, but with an increased dose, they could do anything really.


The scan will be at least another fortnight, so the appointment on Monday will basically consist of the normal pleasantries and being sorted out with another batch of chemo tablets. There’s talk of a higher dosage, but there was last time and that didn’t materialise so I’ll just have to see if they do.